What if Dave Grohl were evil?
FROM hitting the skins for Nirvana and Them Crooked Vultures to fronting one of the world's biggest bands in the Foo Fighters, there's no denying that when it comes to rocking, Dave Grohl knows a fair bit about it.
If you're a fan of any of those groups, or his heavy metal side-project Probot, you'll know that every time Grohl's name is mentioned anywhere, the phrase "nicest guy in rock" isn't too far away.
By all accounts, Grohl deserves that crown. He's happy to answer any and all questions in interviews, is always calm, friendly, patient and accommodating with fans, and to date there's only one lonely incident on his chucking-the-toys tally.
How many other rock stars came Down Under to perform charity shows for free earlier this year? Even Bono didn't do that.
Listen to Foo Fighter's Rope (more story below) ...
I've met Grohl. Heck of a nice guy. I've also watched him backstage being forced by media reps to take part in some of the most ridiculous media requests imaginable.
On last year's Them Crooked Vultures tour I waited patiently as Grohl, Josh Homme and John Paul Jones spent 15 minutes being interviewed by an Asian film crew who made the trio talk to a framed photo of a TV presenter who couldn't make the trip.
Grohl didn't even bat an eyelid.
But here's the thing: Imagine a world in which Grohl was evil. Like a complete and total self-involved tool. Let's say Grohl was the deformed spawn of Courtney Love and Axl Rose, raised in a cage while Fred Durst poked him with sticks.
I'd be pretty angry, and so would Grohl.
So now imagine that Grohl's rider for the band's upcoming show got leaked, and on it he demanded the red carpet leading up to his dressing room be made out of virgin's tongues knitted together with unicorn hair.
Once in his room, Grohl demands to sip on glasses of puppy dog tears chilled by Himalayan mountain ice while snacking on bowls of fresh French caviar as his feet are gently massaged by Parks and Recreation's Aubrey Plaza.
Okay, so maybe some of my own fantasies snuck in there. And it's probably not going to happen. But if you know how to get your hands on Grohl's personal rider, or puppy dog tears, please let me know. I'm thirsty and our office water cooler is broken.
Don't worry, I'll be at the Foos show, screaming every word of Stacked Actors and White Limo and pumping my fist along as Grohl rocks hard, cracks genuinely funny jokes and once again cements his status as The Nicest Guy In Rock.
But secretly, I'll be wishing Grohl has a mid-show meltdown, just so I know he's human.