The shining light in loss

SO, I have been taking a little break. I needed some space and time to try and clear my head and focus on getting back to "normal".

You see, there was a death in my family.

After a 17-month-long battle with lymphoma, by beloved father suddenly passed away in January.

He had just celebrated his 60th birthday.

The loss is completely devastating and would be hard enough to deal with if I had the space and time to accept and grieve and learn to live my life without my dear dad.

But I have found the past weeks infinitely harder because what I have wanted to do is stay in bed, not get out of my pajamas, drown my brain in television shows and movies, drink too much, eat too much and never stop crying.

But there are two very special and important reasons I haven't been able to do that. Master H, 3, and Master T, 18 months, needed their mum.

They needed to get up and have breakfast and get dressed and play and live their normal lives.

They needed to get up and have breakfast and get dressed and play and live their normal lives. 

They needed me to do that for them.

At their ages, they didn't have an understanding of what happened.

They accepted that Grandad wasn't here anymore for them to see and play with.

They just accepted it and moved on.

And part of me is relieved that they don't have to experience the depth of loss that comes with the death of a loved one. My boys are the epitome of life goes on.

There has been heartbreaking moments, don't get me wrong. When Master T keeps pointing to photos and saying "granddad".

When Master H proclaimed that we couldn't sell Grandad's backhoe because "that's Grandad's backhoe, he loves the backhoe, he will be sad, you can't sell it".

But aside from the fact that they just keep pulling you into real life and living, even when you don't feel like it, they have provided one of very few sources of joy and laughter for my family over the past few weeks.

When they learn new things, when they say or do something funny and mostly when they just giggle and laugh hysterically at the antics of the other.

It has been bittersweet knowing how much my dad would have loved to be sharing in our joy of them.

The resilience of kids is remarkable and that is truly a good thing.

Because for me, every day is a battle between my grief and my maternal instincts.

Every day I try and be a little better at getting back to the mum they had just a few months ago.

It doesn't feel like it right now, but I hope every day I get a little better at it, for my boys.



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