Ten worst ways to avoid getting fat this Christmas
It's the time of year where every publication claims to reveal the secret to healthy eating over Christmas.
Unfortunately, it's just a long list of "don't eat the cake, you fatty" type tips that don't inspire anything but rage.
Fortunately, Crystal Jones and Kieran Bicheno are here to help with a truly practical list of tips to avoid putting on weight over the silly season.
1. Stay active by giving your children too much coffee
Exercise is the key to staying trim, and nothing will get your heart rate going like kids who've been fed a litre of black coffee.
If you don't have kids, don't be tempted to give caffeine to pets instead - dead animals are a known source of fat.
2. Be creative about making serving sizes smaller
If you're holding a dinner party, don't let your guests over-indulge. To make sure no one goes over their daily calorie intake, serve meals on coasters.
When your guests complain, hold up a picture of a starving African child and shed a single tear.
3. Buy plenty of exercise equipment
One of the great things about buying exercise gear for Christmas presents is that you'll be too broke to overeat at least until March.
You can spend a fortune on exercise bikes, balls, and weights that will get used for only a week, but the real benefits come from stressing yourself skinny as you try to sell them in the classifieds in late January.
4. Avoid high-calorie alcohol
Your old-school Australian beer is essentially a liquid meal disguised to help you consume a week's calories between opening the presents and the argument with your sister-in-law over why gay refugees should stop receiving welfare.
A better option is to go for lower-calorie spirits like vodka or scotch. Remember to kick-start your metabolism early in the morning, preferably before the kids are awake.
5. Avoid letting symbols of the season give the kids the wrong idea
Steer away from decorating your tree with baubles, they might encourage youngsters to associate roundness with receiving gifts and lead to obesity later in life.
Instead of baubles try decorating the tree with bits of lycra or magazine covers.
6. Don't let Christmas carols lead you astray
Traditional Christmas carols are fun, but they're less than helpful when it comes to our health. Try replacing them with modern versions including Hark! The Herald Angels Diet, It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Diabetes and Santa Claus is Slimming Down.
When the type 2 diabetic in the room complains, try Rolling Around The Christmas Tree or The Morbidly Obese Drummer Boy.
7. Alienate your family and loved ones before the day arrives
One of the biggest problems with most social celebrations in our society is the focus on consumption, but if you destroy your ties with family and friends early enough, you can avoid a big family dinner.
Methods and results will vary, but joining a cult or faking an affair are effective options for ensuring your family would rather die than see you.
8. Don't give your children any gifts
This may seem harsh, but it's an important part of getting the healthy-living message across. Explain to them that Santa couldn't come this year as he had to be hospitalised due to heart disease from consuming a constant stream of cookies and full-fat milk all his adult life.
Your kids will be asking for vouchers to start Cross Fit training before you can say "obesity epidemic".
9. See your doctor about performance-enhancing drugs
You don't have to be an athlete to go the full beanpole from doping, though it is important to make sure your doctor is okay with it.
If they're not, there's always the chance you'll be sectioned under the mental health act for asking in the first place.
10. Contract tapeworm
Actually, don't do this one.
A GUILT-FREE CHRISTMAS PUDDING
There's no need to give up your traditional Christmas pudding, but you can make a few small changes to your ingredients that will make it better for you.
Follow our handy recipe below to make a dessert delight that will have your dinner guests begging for more:
3 carrots, grated
One onion, diced
Half a lettuce, chopped
One punnet of cherry tomatoes
Half a capsicum, sliced
Prepare all ingredients and serve in a bowl. For a little extra naughty indulgence, garnish with radish slices.