POLLIE TICKLED: High noon at the High Court
AFTER Hurricane Harvey lost his puff and turned into the US's greatest downpour with flooding to match, Houston found it had another problem.
Two drifters arrived to show the locals what's what. Donald Trump, man of the knee-jerk tweet seemed barely able to finish a sentence - he was gobsmacked. And that's scary considering he'd had time to get ready for the devastation. How will he cope if he's required to defend his country from a sudden movement by North Korea? At least Kim Jong-un is playing the long game, not the knee-jerk one.
Trump's companion was better prepared. The woman some people have been unkind enough to call Flood Watch Barbie looked as good as any SES person could.
Melania Trump set off in tailored trousers, a khaki bomber jacket (suitably practical since she was on Air Force One) and towering heels to keep her ankles from getting wet if she decided to wade in and rescue anyone.
But they are no more out of touch than our own leaders. Instead of a flood pack or bushfire pack, I suggest you prepare your DD pack.
We could be heading into another double dissolution or at least another election. With the High Court possibly readying the ejector seats for so many lower house and senate members, Malcolm might decide his chances are better than Bill's if he spreads the muck all over the country and makes Bill work hard.
And if he gets in quick, he may reduce the effects of the redistribution expected to be in place in less than a year. It will probably cost the Coalition seats and add to the steady decline in its serve of voter joy, so now might be the time to strike. Here's what to pack:
SHOVEL: There'll be plenty of crap to shovel out of your way as you head for the polling booth.
BLINKERS OR BLINDERS TO NARROW YOUR VISION: Haven't been seen much since the car replaced the horse, but I predict they'll be the fashion accessory we'll all wear.
HIGH HEELS: Men, show solidarity with our gay mates. Women, who needs an excuse to stiletto your way to an accident?
GAY OR ANTI-GAY MARRIAGE MANIFESTO: Just to keep things straight. After all, if the High Court knocks out the plebiscite, we'll have to vote on gay marriage. Like really vote, not send in some survey form that does nothing.
OPEN WALLET OR RAINCOAT: Yes, it will rain dollars, particularly in marginal electorates. Let's make all seats marginal. We can't keep the bastards honest, so let's make them nervous. Besides, it's fun.
EARPLUGS: With instant play videos on every webpage, haranguing from apps and robocallers harassing us, hearing protection becomes essential.
BREATHALYSING DEVICE: Elections bring on drinkathons, after-parties and those "who needs an excuse to get drunk, it's an election" events.
SMARTPHONE: With election stats, memes and fakenews for Trump-grade tweeting.
PAST ELECTION T-SHIRT: Makes it look like you know what you're doing. Because most parties don't.
Pollie Tickled is a satirical column.