MAFS: James Weir on true cost of David and Hayley’s break-up
Revenge comes in many forms after a bad break-up.
Some of us choose to take the highroad by slagging off our exes to anyone who'll listen and driving past their homes late at night while muttering to ourselves about how we're right and they're wrong. And others take the low road by, say, gifting their ex a toilet toothbrush.
What? You don't know what a toilet toothbrush is? Obviously you haven't been reading the news. You really should try harder to be better informed.
Our country was this week united by a toilet toothbrush. The incident proved yet again that nothing brings families, colleagues and strangers together like an atrocious act on a reality show.
For those of you who haven't been keeping up with current affairs (seriously, pick up a newspaper, dummies), the toilet toothbrush is an incident that happened this week on the esteemed program Married At First Sight. A "husband" named David got so fed up with his "wife" Hayley after she kissed another bloke that he cleaned the toilet with her toothbrush and put it back on the shelf for her to use.
"She would go to the toilet without cleaning up after herself - not very lady like. I wasn't a fan of the … what she would leave on the toilet bowl. The bathroom was just Armageddon … that's when I grabbed the toothbrush and I did something I shouldn't have, which was to scrub the toilet with her toothbrush and I left it there," he told us on the Not Here To Make Friends podcast. "She used it for five days."
Seeking revenge on an ex is as old as time. And everyone does it differently.
Over in Las Vegas there are reports this week of a 54-year-old lady who declared war when she found out her partner was cheating on her and had a secret fiancee. It only added fuel to the fire when the ex and his secret lady labelled the woman an "old hag" and "grandma loser". To be honest, I feel they were really scratching for an insult with "grandma loser".
Her version of payback? Spending $10,650 on plastic surgery so she could flaunt her revenge body on social media to make the ex jealous.
This scorned lady replaced her breast implants and got a plasma fibroblast (huh?) and Botox and micro-needling and a chemical peel.
I'm not entirely sure you come out on top when you're slogged with a $10,000 bill that you have to pay yourself in addition to having to endure a painful recovery process, but I applaud anyone who really commits to something like this.
Revenge can make you do crazy things and you stop at nothing. And now this Las Vegas lady seems to be pledging the rest of her life to making her ex jealous by posting racy photos on Instagram to show off her overhauled body. All in the name of payback.
I'm the most vengeful person I know but this level of payback just seems exhausting. And that's coming from someone who spends many nights driving past lots of exes' homes.
So much time's spent stewing over an ex after a bitter break-up - scrolling through their social media and rolling your eyes before taking screenshots to send to mates in the group chat so you can all roll your eyes together. Then establishing your own social media content rollout plan to make your ex jealous with all the fake-fun you're having in your apparently carefree single life where, according to your Instagram posts, you spend weekdays at the beach and weeknights drinking cocktails with hot people.
And often, if your ex is already with someone else, they actually don't care.
Sometimes it's just easier to flush their toothbrush down the toilet and move on.
MONKEYING AROUND UNTIL THE FUZZ CLOSE IN
Is anyone else disappointed those escaped Sydney baboons aren't still at large? I hate that their mission was thwarted.
It was an expertly executed escape plan. While being transported for a forced-vasectomy, the male baboon and his two ladies busted out of the crate and hightailed it outta the Royal Prince Alfred Hospital.
And just like that, they were on the run. We were all rooting for them but, as always, the fuzz closed in and ruined all the fun. Damn boys in blue. Can't do anything in this city anymore.
I wish the baboons were still fugitives on the loose and they just remained AWOL. It would become Sydney folklore. Years from now, it would be front page news every time a local thought they saw a baboon around the town. "I swear, he was driving a car over Anzac bridge!" a witness would testify.
No one would ever be able to capture a photo as proof - these baboons would be hip to the tricks and move too quick.
And then eventually, in the year 2093, a new Lord Mayor would be elected and everyone would whisper about his slight primal characteristics.
It's called evolution.