No sex after break-up is normal, use the break as ‘me-time’

Q: I HAVEN'T had sex at all with anyone since breaking up with my boyfriend a year ago. Is this abnormal? I just don't seem interested in other men. My friends say I'm pining but I'm not wishing for my ex back, I just can't seem to make myself attracted to, or interested in, any other guy.

A: If you believed all the media and other boasts (by men and women alike!), it would be easy to think that everyone has sweaty, shirt-ripping, sheet-shredding sexual encounters several times a week - at least! But it's simply not true.

Many people go months and years without having sex, so please stop worrying about being abnormal.

Comparing yourself to anyone else is a waste of time and pointless.

Everyone will have times in their life, for whatever reason (and there are many), when they won't have sex or will have a great deal less of it than they anticipated.

Actually, it is healthy to spend some time alone with yourself after splitting from a relationship, especially a long or intense one.

It's good to assess how you've changed, what you've learnt, why it didn't work, and what you want for yourself, and from a partner, in the future.

Take this time while you're not interested in finding a new man to enrich your life with new interests and growth.

And I don't mean take up golf because you think you might meet some men at the club - that's simply strategic planning for dating - do that when you're ready and only if you want to!

Rather, develop yourself, and really get to know yourself.

This time is precious me-time!

This time will disappear when you're absorbed in a relationship, or planning a committed life together, or starting a family or raising children.

Enjoy this time for you! Do some self-indulgent things such as a holiday by yourself, learn to paint, start a daily journal, join a club or take a course in something you never thought you'd do.

While you're single you have time to spend on yourself … so do it.

It's perfectly normal for your libido and interest in sex to fluctuate, and if you feel you need time to get over your previous relationship, then make the most of this time by spending it wholly on yourself.

As long as you are active, productive, and happy, don't worry about whether you're having sex.

Do not feel pressured to have sex simply because "it's been a long time".

Listen to your inner voice, and when you feel ready to rejoin the dating game, it's out there, waiting for a refreshed, self aware, attractive you.

The right guy will be attractive to you again, be sure of that.

But don't be in a hurry to find someone, just because you feel it has been too long. If you don't feel frozen in time, if you feel vibrant, happy and fulfilled, your sex life will follow suit.

And if you don't feel those things right now, then even more reason to focus on yourself.



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