No order in court or soccer field

JUDGES are often accused of being detached, aloof and out of touch.

Not Judge Douglas Marks Moore who is being heralded in England as a man of the people after rugby-tackling a sex offender to the ground to stop him escaping from court.

The bewigged and berobed judge wrestled 34-year-old Paul Reid to the ground as the accused made a desperate dash for freedom from Woolwich Crown Court.

Perhaps if Judge Moore had taken charge of the soccer match between local Argentinean rival clubs Claypole and Victoriani Arenas, the game would not have set a new record for mayhem.

The ref, Damian Rubino, will go down in history for issuing 36 red cards after players, backroom staff and management from both clubs became embroiled in a running battle after a bad tackle.

As all 22 players and substitutes were sent off, the match had to be abandoned. There was outrage on the pitch in the UK too this week when the player manager of Dorchester Town was sent off for ungentlemanly conduct.

Ashley Vickers' crime had been to bring to the ground a male streaker who ran onto the pitch, halting play in the game against Havant. The naked spectator was running around the pitch, making a nuisance of himself before Vickers tackled him by grabbing him around the throat and flinging him to the ground. The crowd cheered, other players patted him on the back, but the ref sent him for an early bath.

It is with sadness that we report the untimely demise of the man who was the face, and stomach, of a food chain in Texas and Arizona known as the Heart Attack Grill.

Blair River, 29, who weighed in at 262 kilograms, used the catchphrase “taste worth dying for” to promote the restaurants, which feature mammoth fat-laden burgers, butter-fat shakes and flatliner fries cooked in pure lard.

Heart Attack Grill waitresses dress as nurses and anyone who weighs more than 160 kilograms can eat for free.

Surprisingly, Mr River, who wrote the chain's advertising, did not succumb to a heart attack but to complications due to pneumonia.

And finally this week, a Brazilian spider is in big demand in America after a team of researchers revealed an unusual side-effect from its bite.

According to the Medical College of Georgia, the venom from a single nip by the banana spider can cause erections that last for four hours.

Alternative Universe is a weekly humour column written by Adrian Taylor.

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