FLUFFY JERKS: Cats are more like the bad boyfriend who never wants to spend any time with you, but doesn't want to lose you either, according to columnist Lisa.
FLUFFY JERKS: Cats are more like the bad boyfriend who never wants to spend any time with you, but doesn't want to lose you either, according to columnist Lisa. Contributed

Fur-babies can be monsters

WHY Cats are Jerks - Volume II.

Look, I know writing a second column on this topic (besides putting me in line for a Pulitzer) makes me seem like I don't like our feline friends, but nothing could be further from the truth. Well, maybe not super far from the truth, but more like beside it ... just a little ways away.

Anyway, this column isn't just a criticism of cats; it's actually been scientifically proven (in my head) that cats are even cleverer than humans, specifically politicians and social media influencers.

But unlike dogs who are the equivalent of the clingy girlfriend, cats are more like the bad boyfriend who never wants to spend any time with you, but doesn't want to lose you either. And I think all of us cat owners can agree, that cats can do some pretty jerky things.

I'll give you some examples:

  • I bought a beautiful set of bowls for my cat's food and water. I can fill the water bowl up with water collected in the arms of angels from the pristine waters of Lake Heaven, and she'll still meow at me to turn the bathroom sink tap on, or leave little kitty footprints on the toilet seat after having a swig from the bum pool.
  • I can clean the litter box every day, using special litter that looks like decorative stones that cost more than the cat itself, and sift through it with a magnifying glass looking for any leftover excrement, and she will still randomly poo in front of my bathtub.
  • We've learned that when we feed our cat to only put in a few kibbles at a time, because she will meow to get fed, then proceed to eat no more than three to five individual dry bikkies. The dog will then sneak in and eat the last remaining kibble.
  • Mysteriously the cat will be alerted that the food is gone, she'll meow for more food, and the whole process starts again. I reckon the dog eats two-thirds of the cat food himself by the end of it. And sometimes the poo by the tub.
  • My cat loves to go outside and will sneak out whenever she sees the door is open. The problem is that when she wants to come back in, instead of meowing like most cats, she'll launch herself at Mach 12 onto whatever screen is closest to where we're sitting, scaring the bejesus out of us.

She then clings to the outside of the screen, meowing like a furry wind chime until we let her in. When she does this to my bedroom window at 3am has to be my favourite though.

Just think if we had a friend who acted the way cats do. Drinking from our toilet, pooing by the tub ... they'd never be invited back. But cats just keep getting a free pass. I say it's time we stood up to these fuzzy tyrants and stop kowtowing to their every whim.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for Mittens' pedicure.



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