Bach shut down after foul-mouthed rant

 

A vexed Bachelor evictee spouts off in a foul-mouthed outburst after a mass-culling on Wednesday night as Osher raises the alarm and shuts down the entire series - delaying the quest for love and hindering everyone's chances of getting bent like a pretzel.

Wednesday night opens and we're still back at last week's rose ceremony. Some random girls have just been eliminated and shoved into a Toyota Camry when Osher re-enters. He's ashen-faced and refuses to talk above a whisper. This is no different to any other rose ceremony, but we can see something isn't right.

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He tells everyone about a mutant virus that's ravaging the world and threatening to destroy all of humankind. The camera cuts to the girls. They're not in shock, but we can see their brains whirling as they try to ascertain if this will affect them in any way negatively.

It's only when Osher reveals Queensland has shut its borders that this blonde chick flips her lid as she realises she can't get back to Surfers Paradise.

Calm down, meter maid.
Calm down, meter maid.

After freaking everyone out, Osher pisses off and Locky falls to the black and white lino floor. He cradles his legs and rocks back and forth.

You thought I was joking.
You thought I was joking.

When facing a global pandemic, it's important to equip yourself with information sourced from trusted medical experts. So The Bachelor producers send in a psychic.

Whack on some Stevie Nicks and pick a tarot card.
Whack on some Stevie Nicks and pick a tarot card.

The psychic starts out with all the usual gear. "I'm sensing someone here was born sometime between 1990 and 2000," she whispers, holding her palms above an array of crystals splayed out on the floor. "Does the colour red mean anything to anyone?" she waves her shawl. "A name has come into my head. It starts with a B … or an M … or maybe a J … and it has at least one vowel," she rubs her temples with her forefingers.

It takes a wild turn when she accidentally tells Bella her grandad might be dead. The producers froth over it and make her call home on camera to find out the news. Everything's totally fine with her grandad and the psychic breathes a sigh of relief as she lights a bundle of white sage. By now, we've already written her off but then she goes and makes a prediction that blows our minds.

Roxi sits down and, within three seconds, the psychic blurts out: "You're hard work."

Truer words have never been spoken on this show.

Even the ghosts are exhausted by Roxi.
Even the ghosts are exhausted by Roxi.

But Locky loves hard work. He takes Roxi on a private date and they go and break all the social distancing rules Osher has literally just informed everyone about.

Guys! 1.5 metres!
Guys! 1.5 metres!

"Your kisses are very innocent," she sighs as Locky furrows his brow. "Throw me down. Bend me like a pretzel."

She then looks directly into the camera as she realises her family and all of Australia just heard that.

Hey hon! Hope you get bent like a pretzel soon xx
Hey hon! Hope you get bent like a pretzel soon xx

Finally, she has joined the elite club of girls who've kissed Locky. She's elated. Nothing could kill her buzz. As she arrives at the cocktail party, she declares tonight will not be like the others. There will be no tantrums, like the ones she has thrown at every cocktail party for the past three consecutive weeks. She will not storm out in tears.

"I'm not gonna get caught up in any bullshit," she insists.

Precisely three seconds later, word starts spreading around that Bella just kissed Locky down in the shadows of the backyard. Roxy cuts sick.

"Bella, did you just hook up with Locky at a cocktail party?" she asks.

Bella doesn't deny it. After all, we got it on video.

Get it, girl.
Get it, girl.

For the fourth consecutive week, Roxi breaks down and storms out.

"It's so disrespectful," she sobs. "Bella just went and kissed him at the cocktail party. That is f**ked up, man. That is so rude. It was supposed to be a good night. Just let me have my moment, just once!"

Well this has become a weekly event.
Well this has become a weekly event.

We can always count on Laura to be a beacon of light and positivity during these more emotional moments. Does she have any sage words for Roxanne?

"This is what you signed up for. You've got a rose, shut up," she drawls.

Laura, you wise dame. You're just constantly serving up moments of clarity.

Roxi continues to crumble.

"I can't do this again, man, I've been through this so many f**king times. Well done, Bella. Well done," she cries.

Locky hears the commotion and grabs her by the arm.

"Why would you go and do that?" she spits at him, shaking him off.

He honestly can't piece together what she's upset about.

"I'm humiliated," she wails. "You went and kissed Bella within five minutes of f**king being here. You couldn't have given me just a bit longer to revel in my little moment. I just feel like everyone wants to rain on my parade all the time."

Locky wishes he was shipwrecked on that Survivor island again.

Chapped lips and starvation weren’t as punishing as this.
Chapped lips and starvation weren’t as punishing as this.

"You know me, I just do anything that pops into my head - when it feels good, when it feels right," he reasons.

We can all relate to this. I've personally said similar things after driving to McDonald's for a sundae at 1am when I should've just gone to bed.

But Roxi won't have it. She genuinely believes that she is the star of this show and the rest of the girls are just maids and catering staff.

"Tonight was supposed to be my night. I wanted to live in my little happy moment and it keeps getting taken from me," she sulks.

Locky just says what he needs to in order to escape. He runs to a cameraman on the front lawn where he spits out all the things he couldn't say to her face.

"Roxi, yes I should've been more respectful of you. But there's 15 girls here who I've got connections with besides you," he exhales in frustration.

He pauses and stares up at the night sky as the words of that witchy psychic echo through his head: "She's hard work."

Should’ve listened to the tarot cards.
Should’ve listened to the tarot cards.

At the rose ceremony, he should really cut her loose but of course he doesn't. He has got to get rid of five ladies tonight and it's going to be a mass cull.

Everyone's anxious except Laura.

"I'm looking cute. I'm not too stressed," she shrugs.

But cute's not enough and she's axed along with Areeba and the chick who loves her eyebrows. Two other girls are also booted but we don't know their names and can't say for certain we've ever seen them before.

Laura, Areeba, The Girl Who Loves Her Eyebrows. … Kinsley-Mae? And … Skylar?
Laura, Areeba, The Girl Who Loves Her Eyebrows. … Kinsley-Mae? And … Skylar?

The positivity evaporates from Laura's soul. Sure, Locky never once asked her on a date. And no, Locky didn't have a single conversation with her. Fine, he probably didn't even know she existed. But Laura was certain she would end up in the finale and this elimination comes as a rude shock. She lets rip out on the driveway in a foul-mouthed outburst.

"Is he serious? He could've had a f**kin' trophy wife, but nup," she slurs. "Fuming! F**king fuming."

Yeah. We can’t believe he gave this up.
Yeah. We can’t believe he gave this up.

She's promptly shoved into a waiting sedan. Seconds later, Areeba follows. Of course she handles the rejection with elegance.

"This is definitely the first time I've ever been rejected by a guy," she masks her bubbling rage with a smile. "I don't care because he obviously likes basic girls. And that's not me. I ain't basic."

The camera suddenly goes handheld and production crew move into shot as the girls are shuffled out of the room and back inside the mansion. Osher steps into Locky's path on the gravel driveway.

"We have to stop production," he says.

He looks out to the camera crew and tries to well up so a single tear falls.

"I've worked with these guys for eight years. And we love this show more than nothing on earth. We get to help people find love," he gushes and he totally had to rehearse this in order to say it with a straight face. "You're gonna have to say goodbye to all of them tonight."

Locky plays along but, honestly, he's probably more concerned about the future of his adventure sports business in Bali.

"It's gut wrenching," he sighs.

The girls aren't even given a moment to collect their belongings before they're shoved into waiting cars that drive off into the darkness.

No one's more disappointed than Roxi. But the silver lining? Locky won't be bending anyone like a pretzel.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

 

Originally published as Bach shut down after foul-mouthed rant



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