Opinion

With love, from Mars

VENUS AND MARS: NewsMail columnist Fred Archer sums up gender differences when choosing Christmas gifts.
VENUS AND MARS: NewsMail columnist Fred Archer sums up gender differences when choosing Christmas gifts. Brendan Downs - Thunderchild Observatory

MY WIFE put me into panic mode immediately when she said, "Do not give me a Christmas present, I do not want anything!"

How could I possibly know what she wanted or be able to afford something as expensive as that?

In desperation I enquired of the ladies of aqua aerobics what I should buy her. "Something personal".

I said: "what is a good brand of vacuum cleaner?"

They threatened to drown me.

Jewellery, I thought and went to a local shop.

"A diamond ring is always acceptable," the salesman said while wearing a smile borrowed from the Cheshire cat.

"Is the ring for a lady to whom you have given your heart?" he asked. "It's for the wife," I replied.

In an instance that tray was whipped away to be replaced by another. "What's the difference?" I asked.

"Those other rings were 22-carat gold with real diamond. These gems are really glass and the rings brass."

I decided that no gentleman would attempt to deceive his wife, particularly as I remembered that the last time I tried that trick my wife spotted the fraud straight away. I left. What I needed was an alternative, that is a cheaper gift.

The chain was just a little heavy and it was doubtful if it had enough power to cut the cakes she bakes.

I tried the shoe store.

"Size eleven, purple with a stiletto heel," I ordered the clerk for I knew my wife wore the same size in boots as me.

For some odd reason he asked me to leave.

"We do not want you sort in our store," he sneered.

The toy and hobby shop looked promising. Perhaps a train set with a steam engine with a lovely little tender behind?

I settled for a remote-controlled helicopter.

Proudly I presented it to my wife, suitably gift-wrapped.

"You shouldn't have," my wife said when she saw the toy and I am pleased to say she said it as if she meant it.

Immediately my wife took the controls. She made it rise until it was exactly in line with my eyes.

"Let's see how fast it can go," she said smiling.

I awoke on the floor to find pieces of the chopper sticking out of my forehead. Painfully, I pulled myself onto a chair to see a note from my wife on the table. "Gone to mother's for Christmas," it said.

Thinking about it, I realised a toy helicopter was not the ideal present for my wife.

Being merely a woman she obviously had no idea how to fly it accurately. Perhaps next Christmas I will get it right.

Topics:  blogs, frederick archer, frederick frankly, opinion



What was this driver thinking?

Gin Gin police have recorded a driver travelling at 183kmh on the Bruce Hwy.

Driver clocked at 183kmh

UPDATE: Man charged with 'alleged abduction' of Gladstone girl

Police in pursuit of man, Clinton

DOG squad, police units join hunt after man allegedly fled the home.

Bundy Bear back on TV screens for new drink

BEAR BACK: With the drink's name a nod to the brand's famous mascot, advertising campaigns for Lazy Bear will feature Bundy R Bear, who has been absent from recent promotional material.

Bundy launches new drink for summer

Local Partners

Josh Brolin and Kathryn Boyd tie the knot

Josh Bolin marries in front of close friends and family

Marilyn Manson wants a 'nice' girl

Marilyn Manson wants a girl who understands both of his identities

Angelina turns to Depp for consolation after divorce

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie with their six children

Angelina Jolie is reportedly being consoled by Johnny Depp

Rockhampton dancer en pointe for European stages

CENTRE STAGE: Anastasia Lewis has moved from Rockhampton to Sydney to study classical ballet.

Rocky dancer believes competitions are the perfect preparation

Conner's food distraction leads to elimination

Australian Survivor contestant Conner Bethune.

HUNGER gets to castaway as Australian Survivor's tribes merge.

Bonus point gets Dan and Carleen over the line on The Block

Dan and Carleen in their winning living and dining rooms in a scene from The Block.

BABY boomers win living and dining week as show hits halfway mark.

Developers boost confidence in Bundaberg property market

Slow and steady growth has always been Bundaberg’s way

Property 200m from ocean selling for just over $100K

BEACHCOMBER PARK: Work has started on a new $19.2 million development at Toogoom.

The estate's developer is offering huge discounts for early buyers.

UPDATE: Former rodeo champ's sale rained out, now back on

Larkhill local Ken Consiglio is having an auction of most of the things on his property.

'People kept showing up and we had to turn them away'

First stages of $25 million housing development underway

New development on Madsen Rd - The Springs.

The blocks of land are much bigger than usual

Couple build their own 'tiny house' for $45k

Holly Bowen and Oli Bucher built their "tiny house" themselves, only hiring a plumber and an electrician. Photo/supplied

The house, which is built on a trailer and can be towed.

Rocky proves prime real estate in latest REIQ report

Kas Woch sold this Wood St home in Depot Hill for $107,000 in August.

A new investor's market as Rocky house prices hit lowest in state