Opinion

With love, from Mars

VENUS AND MARS: NewsMail columnist Fred Archer sums up gender differences when choosing Christmas gifts.
VENUS AND MARS: NewsMail columnist Fred Archer sums up gender differences when choosing Christmas gifts. Brendan Downs - Thunderchild Observatory

MY WIFE put me into panic mode immediately when she said, "Do not give me a Christmas present, I do not want anything!"

How could I possibly know what she wanted or be able to afford something as expensive as that?

In desperation I enquired of the ladies of aqua aerobics what I should buy her. "Something personal".

I said: "what is a good brand of vacuum cleaner?"

They threatened to drown me.

Jewellery, I thought and went to a local shop.

"A diamond ring is always acceptable," the salesman said while wearing a smile borrowed from the Cheshire cat.

"Is the ring for a lady to whom you have given your heart?" he asked. "It's for the wife," I replied.

In an instance that tray was whipped away to be replaced by another. "What's the difference?" I asked.

"Those other rings were 22-carat gold with real diamond. These gems are really glass and the rings brass."

I decided that no gentleman would attempt to deceive his wife, particularly as I remembered that the last time I tried that trick my wife spotted the fraud straight away. I left. What I needed was an alternative, that is a cheaper gift.

The chain was just a little heavy and it was doubtful if it had enough power to cut the cakes she bakes.

I tried the shoe store.

"Size eleven, purple with a stiletto heel," I ordered the clerk for I knew my wife wore the same size in boots as me.

For some odd reason he asked me to leave.

"We do not want you sort in our store," he sneered.

The toy and hobby shop looked promising. Perhaps a train set with a steam engine with a lovely little tender behind?

I settled for a remote-controlled helicopter.

Proudly I presented it to my wife, suitably gift-wrapped.

"You shouldn't have," my wife said when she saw the toy and I am pleased to say she said it as if she meant it.

Immediately my wife took the controls. She made it rise until it was exactly in line with my eyes.

"Let's see how fast it can go," she said smiling.

I awoke on the floor to find pieces of the chopper sticking out of my forehead. Painfully, I pulled myself onto a chair to see a note from my wife on the table. "Gone to mother's for Christmas," it said.

Thinking about it, I realised a toy helicopter was not the ideal present for my wife.

Being merely a woman she obviously had no idea how to fly it accurately. Perhaps next Christmas I will get it right.

Topics:  blogs frederick archer frederick frankly opinion



How to survive a bushfire in your car

IT SOUNDS like a nightmare, but it can happen.

Eight reasons to join the RFS

SPREAD across 93% of Queensland, the Rural Fire Service has about 36,000 volunteers. And you could be one of them.

What if my insurer gives me grief?

CLAIMING your insurance cover after a natural disaster can go one of two ways. It can be a breeze, or like pulling teeth.

'He's my house deposit': bulk bill IVF welcomed in Bundy

'I WORKED THREE JOBS': Krystal Templeton with her son Marty.

"This,” Krystal says holding a smiling Marty, " is my house deposit”

Bundy dad to be behind bars for Christmas

Man's matter adjourned until February

Local Partners

Rob's off to start a fresh new chapter

AFTER more than three decades delivering fruit and vegies to loyal customers across Bundaberg, Robert Ward is packing up his ute and retiring.


Kernaghan's a 'boy from the bush' with a timeless quality

Country music singer Lee Kernaghan.

Lee Kernaghan is celebrating the 25th year of his breakthrough song.

What's on: Saturday, December 3

Not sure what to do today? We've got you covered

Head to the sugar museum for a sweet taste of history

Cutting the ribbon to officially open the revamped Sugar Museum at Fairymead House is Mayor Jack Dempsey and Fairymead House Team Leader Hayley Vale.

Learn about the industry that made Bundy what it is

Chris Pratt fell asleep while babysitting

Chris Pratt revealed he fell asleep during babysitting duties

Kylie Minogue: I want to get married soon

Pop star Kylie Minogue has revealed she hopes to get married soon

Amanda Seyfried lets slip the sex of her baby

Amanda Seyfried has suggested the sex of her baby

Meet the Brisbane breakfast radio king's replacement

Craig Zonca ABC Radio

ABC announces Craig Zonca as the replacement for Spencer Howson

How predictable are your Netflix habits?

Stranger Things is taking the world by storm as a new-age nostalgic Sci-Fi Thriller

The new entertainment binging pattern

Kanye West is on the mend now he's back from hospital

Kanye West is more relaxed since returning home from hospital

Ipswich City Properties asset portfolio retains its value

Ipswich City Council Administration Building, South Street, Ipswich. Photo: Claudia Baxter / The Queensland Times

New website launched by Ipswich City Council

INSIDE STORY: The highlights of your $150 million CBD

GRAND PLAN: The highlights of the Ipswich CBD redevelopment and where they will be located.

Work on city heart's radical transformation to begin next year

VOTE IN OUR POLL: Sand mine opponents face serious dilemma

Public meeting for the proposed sand mine at Maroochydore last week.

Coast MP calls on Minister to stop KRA proposal with stroke of a pen

Developer's grand new multi-million dollar estate

NEW ESTATE: This is the only plan revealed by the property developer's new Billabongs Estate in Agnes Water.

DEVELOPER given the go ahead for a massive estate with 149 homes.

Couple's desperate $550K price drop to sell Gladstone home

Brian Headley and Kirstene Staib are selling their Kin Kora mansion for $750,000.

TELL tale sign of Gladstone's property market.

Ready to SELL your property?

Post Your Ad Here!