Opinion

What happens when you're left holding the baby

SOUND ASLEEP: Good baby behaviour goes out the door with mum, says Frederick.
SOUND ASLEEP: Good baby behaviour goes out the door with mum, says Frederick. Contributed

MOTHERS are marvellous.

Completely self-sacrificing for their children. Loving, loyal and unashamedly blatant liars.

Too harsh? I might have thought so if a mother had not pushed her way into my home and plonked her kid in my arms.

Several backpacks and a suitcase were carelessly thrown on the polished surface of my dining room table, regardless of the pristine surface.

Possibly she was a granddaughter or niece or a sister of my wife but I was too shocked at having to suddenly hold a strange child to recall her.

Immediately the mother started lying.

"He has just been fed and has a clean nappy. Just put him to bed and he will sleep until I get back from shopping."

Here her falsehoods became more obvious.

"I shall only be a half hour, possibly three-quarters of an hour at the most."

Talk about bull dust. When did any woman ever manage to limit her spending of her husband's money to just one hour?

At this she promptly disappeared out the front door and right on his cue, her boy started screaming.

In vain I thrust a bottle into his mouth. No result.

Perhaps his mother's departure had caused him to have an accident, I reasoned, and lowered his nappy. A great mistake.

The nappy, according to the manufacturer, would hold all the baby's disposals for up to three hours. I doubt this kid's nappy had been changed in three months.

By wearing a handkerchief liberally soaked in rum to reduce the stink, I managed to change his underpants. In revenge I hid the soiled nappy in one of the mother's bags.

He continued screaming.

Another bottle was no help though I drank the rum quickly. A nursery rhyme sung by my own voice failed to stop his yells though it is capable of moving strong men to tears when rendering Jingle Bells.

I tried showing the kid our bulldog but the coward ran whimpering when the baby bit it.

After hours of lugging the kid around, convinced my arms must fall off, he suddenly stopped.

Immediately the front door opened and his mother appeared.

"I told you he would sleep at the time I was away," she beamed. "You have enjoyed having him so much I must bring him around more often."

With that she gathered up the child, her bags and was gone before I could think of a reply.

I turned about, thoroughly exhausted.

It was then I saw she left the kid's dirty nappy on my dining room table.

Topics:  columns, fred archer, frederick frankly, opinion



Bundy musician on the cusp of big break

MANGROVE MUSIC: Julia Anderson at Mon Repos, as she appears in In The Beginning.

Julia Anderson is starting to get noticed

Three police cars respond to disturbance at Macca's

CALL OUT: Police were called to McDonald's on Targo St on Sunday night.

Large group of adults involved in a disturbance outs

Quality is the life of Brian

QUALITY ASSURED: Greg Bourne congratulates Brian Short on being nominated for one of the Queensland's highest safety awards.

Bundy's Brian, 73, nominated for top award

Local Partners

Kate goes down fighting in heated Survivor elimination

Australian Survivor contestant Kate Campbell.

YOGA teacher's 'good guys' alliance fails to get off the ground.

Emily Blunt's (almost) singing career

Emily Blunt nearly became the British Britney Spears.

Angelina is blocking calls from Brad Pritt

Angelina Jolie has reportedly blocked Brad Pitt's number.

Bundy musician on the cusp of big break

MANGROVE MUSIC: Julia Anderson at Mon Repos, as she appears in In The Beginning.

Julia Anderson is starting to get noticed

Apocalyptica 'seek and destroy' sceptics with 'master' set

Apocalyptica play Max Watts in Brisbane on their Shadowmaker Tour.

Review of final show of Apocalyptica's tour

Rebecca Hall doesn't own a TV

Newspapers, yes. Television, not so much

Developers boost confidence in Bundaberg property market

Slow and steady growth has always been Bundaberg’s way

Property 200m from ocean selling for just over $100K

BEACHCOMBER PARK: Work has started on a new $19.2 million development at Toogoom.

The estate's developer is offering huge discounts for early buyers.

UPDATE: Former rodeo champ's sale rained out, now back on

Larkhill local Ken Consiglio is having an auction of most of the things on his property.

'People kept showing up and we had to turn them away'

First stages of $25 million housing development underway

New development on Madsen Rd - The Springs.

The blocks of land are much bigger than usual

Couple build their own 'tiny house' for $45k

Holly Bowen and Oli Bucher built their "tiny house" themselves, only hiring a plumber and an electrician. Photo/supplied

The house, which is built on a trailer and can be towed.

Rocky proves prime real estate in latest REIQ report

Kas Woch sold this Wood St home in Depot Hill for $107,000 in August.

A new investor's market as Rocky house prices hit lowest in state