Lifestyle

Five tips to reclaim your sex life together

WHAT do you do when trying for a baby has worn your sex life thin? You ask Love Doctor Gabrielle Morrissey. 

Q: We've been trying for a baby unsuccessfully for five years. Now I have no interest in sex at all. It is putting a lot of pressure on my marriage. Please help, what can I do to get in the mood?

A: When you spend a large amount of time and focus having sex for procreation purposes, the sex for recreation you share together very often can fall by the wayside.

Sex together has a mission, a specific purpose, and if you spend too much time having that kind of functional sex, without enjoyment or even a desire necessarily for pleasure, you can create a situation - which you find yourself in - where sex becomes redefined, and while it can be difficult to make the switch back to enjoyment, it is definitely possible, so do please try to remain hopeful and proactive in your love life.

When you've been having sex to make a baby, and after years and years it hasn't worked, sex can feel not just passionless or lacking in pleasure, but also a bit sad too.

The hope, the frustration, the earnest desire or desperation for a baby can linger in the room and pop up in memories and feelings as you go to try to have sex now.

That's a libido killer for sure.

So if you've closed the chapter on conceiving yourselves, and are either not trying for a child at all, or looking at other avenues such as adoption or surrogacy, then you can reclaim your sex life together as one for recreation only and leave procreation behind.

To move forward in this new frame of mind, several things have to happen, and you can work on them in a timeframe that feels comfortable to you.

Don't rush the process or create pressure on yourself because it will only backfire and have you dreading sex rather than becoming excited about the prospect.

Give yourself time to heal

Moving on from the idea of you and your husband conceiving a baby through your lovemaking can be a difficult and painful desire to let go of.

Acknowledge you may feel a little sad always, but tell yourself that sex is not a reflection of the love you share together and a space to relax and enjoy and block out the stresses of life and release into moments of feeling good.

This is important for you, for everyone, and it's your right.

Change your bedroom

Shake away the memories by creating a new atmosphere in your bedroom.

Change the bedding, the lighting, some decor.

You don't have to make it sexier if you don't want to (but that might be a good thing to think about).

The important piece is that you make a change.

Create a new atmosphere for new memories and experiences together.

Spend affectionate time together both on date nights as well as at home together doing nothing special, without an expectation of sex

Decrease the pressure that can feel like every time you touch one another it must mean you're suddenly in the mood for sex.

Allow yourself to slowly warm back up to the idea of touch, desire and arousal.

Go on a romantic getaway weekend

Really change the scene, but rather than put the emphasis on the hotel room and sex, make it a fun weekend away to reconnect together and rediscover yourselves as a couple, rather than a family in the making.

Self pleasure or engage in pleasure together, without intercourse necessarily

You've spent years having intercourse for a purpose and your sexual response has been conditioned to equate intercourse with a purpose other than enjoyment.

Allow yourself to receive massages and stimulating touch and practice just blanking your mind out to any thoughts except for those that tell you "Ah this feels goooood".

When negative thoughts interrupt, or you feel anxious or upset, then stop and take a break.

Try again another time.

Enable your body to associate touch, sensuality and sex only with feeling good.

With practice and patience, pleasure will return to you and then so will the desire to have more sex for the love of it and not any result from it.

Topics:  advice, dating, relationships, sex




120-plus tourism park approved by council

Conditional approval granted for tourist park at Moore Park Beach.

Many residents oppose tourist park development

Firefighters rush to grass fire

EMERGENCY: A grass fire has started at Hoffmans Rd, Burnett Heads.Photo Contributed

Two vehicles are currently on scene

Students' skills tested in QCS

BOOKS AWAY: Kepnock Students Paul Scholze, An Pham, Lauren Cutmore and Ryan Kruger ready to finish the QCS.

QCS test almost complete for grade 12 students

Latest deals and offers

Mexican band takes aim at Trump

Disguised as unhinged narcotraficantes, the Mexican-American agitators of BRUJERIA captured the mood of the citys minorities with the bands infamous and widely banned 1993 debut, Matando Geros (Killing White People), quickly becoming the Spanish-language counterparts to early grindcore masters TERRORIZER and NAPALM DEATH.  Photo Contributed

'Satanic drug lord' band challenges Trump

Guess which morning show is visiting the Bundy region?

Sam Mac hosts the TV series First Dates. Supplied by Channel 7. Please credit photo to Jeremy Greive.

Everyone's invited to head down and be a part of the broadcast

Willy Wonka star, Gene Wilder dead at 83

A still of Gene Wilder in the 1971 film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Social media has already lit up with tributes to the late actor.

Gladstone couple's spontaneous Gympie Muster wedding

Craig Oglesby and Brenda Strong celebrate their wedding at the Gympie Muster with punters in front of the Main Stage.

The Gympie Music Muster was the perfect place for a wedding.

Australian Survivor's Peter: I'm no quitter

Australian Survivor contestant Peter Fiegehen.

ILLNESS forces castaway's early exit from Samoa.

Diva's sister on soliciting charge

FILE - In this May 14, 2016 file photo, Mariah Carey attends the 27th Annual GLAAD Media Awards, in New York. Carey will appear on the Oct. 5 episode of the Fox series, \"Empire,\" the network confirmed Monday at a TV critics bi-annual press tour. (Photo by Charles Sykes/Invision/AP, File)

Mariah Carey's sister has been arrested on charges of prostitution.

Palm Lake Resort set to move in to Coast with 276 villas

Palm Lake Group has been given approval by Sunshine Coast Council to build a 276-villa over 50s resort and 120-bed aged care facility at the intersection of Caloundra Rd and Caloundra Mooloolaba Rd in Little Mountain.

New facility planned for Caloundra Rd

Warning for unit investors with price plummet prediction

The warning signs are flashing for one real estate sector in 2017 despite others performing the best they have in years and it's not going to be pretty.

One real estate sector looks set for a rocky 2017

REVEALED: Pat Rafter's $18m Coast house on the market

Check out the photos of the Coast's most expensive property for sale

The "correction we had to have" in Gladstone's rentals

UPWARD MARCH: The rental vacancy rate in Gladstone has improved for the first time in more than a year, providing a confidence boost in the market.

Vacancy rates improve with signs that things are getting betterF

ISLAND FOR SALE: Cheap Fraser Coast island drops price again

Suna Island in the Great Sandy Strait will be auctioned by Ray White Hervey Bay on Saturday morning.

This is the cheapest island you will find for sale in Australia

How a family home can fit on a 250sq m block

This is what you can build on 250m2.

Here's the floor plan of a home built on 250sq m