Lifestyle

Couples who have lost their mojo need to learn to reconnect

Q: MY HUSBAND has no desire to have any sexual activity.

We are very affectionate and have a good relationship - we get on very well, laugh a lot, and enjoy the same things. He finds it very difficult to balance his work and personal life and to manage stress.

His lack of libido first started when he began to climb the corporate ladder and now it has become the norm in our lives.

We both want to make things right but cannot find a way to reconnect in that way and find that passion we once had.

I am getting increasingly frustrated as I don't think he has done enough to fix the problem yet expects me to just be faithful and live a sexless life.

I feel if things are not fixed soon then we will need to split up or take drastic action.

A: Some people would look at your situation and consider leaving your husband over a sexual issue to be extreme.

But in fact, sexual dissatisfaction ranks in the top five reasons couples split.

Your unhappiness in this area of your life can affect many other areas in your relationship, and yes, it can lead to a split.

But it doesn't have to. Far from it.

Your situation is quite common, and rather than see couples split over it, as I often do, I wish more couples would seek assistance so they could get their relationship back on track and moving forward together.

To start with, your husband's expectation for you to be faithful is a separate issue from the libido problem.

He does indeed expect you to be faithful, which is a fair expectation, because it is presumably based on your vows of fidelity, and to stay together for better or worse.

It's a bad idea to communicate in any way, shape or form that you might stray if he doesn't perform.

Not only is it unfair to make this issue between you one-sided, but any kind of perceived threat like that will create distance and pressure - two things that will definitely make this problem worse, rather than better.

To best address this problem, you need to work as a team, and as a couple.

Statements such as "I don't think he has done enough to fix the problem" reflect a blame scenario that is only counter-productive to a solution. Fixing the problem means involving both of you.

The two of you need to first work out and agree on what quantity and quality of lovemaking and intimate contact will make you each happy.

If there is a difference in your answers, then you need to negotiate.

This communication process is the first step to reconnecting.

It sounds as though you have a solid, compatible relationship outside the bedroom, and need to increase the passion.

Good sex is about connection, and that is fostered 24/7 in a relationship, not simply in those bedroom moments.

Re-shift your thinking, so that you recognise that all that you both do to sustain your connection outside the bedroom is actually positively contributing to your sex life.

You might not be making the most of this investment now, but yourselves credit for the good and functioning parts of your relationship nonetheless.

Bear in mind also, that passion changes in a relationship over time.

The initial rush of passion, felt between new lovers and during the early love stages morphs into a calmer, deeper sense of commitment and passion.

This is a natural and biologically driven bonding process, and one you cannot change.

Rather than pine for the passion you once had, rededicate yourselves to discovering new aspects of each other, creating new experiences together, so you can mimic the falling in love stages and swoon for each other all over again.

Creating physically exciting situations can release powerful surges of chemicals in the body such as endorphins and especially dopamine.

These are also present during sexual experiences, so to increase libido, you might try some (literally) exciting and new adventures together.

But also, you and your husband need to address your lifestyle and the work/life balance. Keep a diary for a couple of weeks, tracking how you each spend your time.

How much is spent together every day without phones, children, TV, deadlines and demands?

Are you getting your quality time together (sexual or otherwise) every day?

And if you aren't, as I suspect - which is exceedingly common - then I suggest you both agree to arrange for this time.

Fuelling libido will come with reconnecting, and that connection needs to fit into the balance of your life.

Together, as a couple. 
 

Topics:  dating, love, relationships, sex




No jail for league player who punched man

ASSAULT: The impact of the punch broke the victim's left front tooth and caused a puncture wound to his lip.

Nine-month community correction order for CBD assault

Jail drug smuggler caught with five bags of pot

BACK IN COURT: Brooke Marie Glasson was found in possession of marijuana two months after pleading guilty to supplying a dangerous drug at the Maryborough Correctional Centre.

Second chance to stay out of jail

Latest deals and offers

Doco reveals real story behind Black Hawk Down

Former Black Hawk pilot Mike Durant shares his story, which helped to inspire the movie Black Hawk Down, in the TV series No Man Left Behind.

FORMER pilot recounts ordeal which inspired a Hollywood movie.

What's on the big screen this week

Toby Kebbell and Jack Huston in a scene from the movie Ben-Hur.

AN OLD classic returns to the big screen with a new young star.

Bachelor Richie gives bacon-loving Noni the boot

Noni Janur features on this season of The Bachelor.

TOOWOOMBA swimwear designer still single but focusing on her career.

Zumbo's Just Desserts serves up magical dishes

Gigi Falanga, left, joins hosts Adriano Zumbo and Rachel Khoo on the TV series Zumbo's Just Desserts.

ADRIANO Zumbo’s decadent creations have become prime-time viewing.

Sir Cliff Richard feels 'best' after sex abuse allegations

Sir Cliff Richard is 'back' to his best after sex abuse claims

Blac Chyna sued after car injured 2 women

Blac Chyna is being sued after her friend crashed into another car

ISLAND FOR SALE: Cheap Fraser Coast island drops price again

Suna Island in the Great Sandy Strait will be auctioned by Ray White Hervey Bay on Saturday morning.

This is the cheapest island you will find for sale in Australia

How a family home can fit on a 250sq m block

This is what you can build on 250m2.

Here's the floor plan of a home built on 250sq m

$100m plan for Curtis Island 'world class' luxury resort

$100 million resort: Top views at Turtle Street at Curtis Island.

"At the moment we think it meets all the town planning approvals.”

Coast building approvals at seven-year high: report

The the 2015/16 Development Indicators Annual Highlights Report documents local development activity that took place during the last financial year.

New report shows increasing development on the Sunshine Coast

Top honours for Mackay and Whitsunday builders

The Kerrisdale Gardens property from Paynter Dixon Queensland which won them Project of the Year.

Mackay and Whitsunday builders awarded top honours last night.

Investors eye Gladstone's $4m island with resort approval

UP FOR SALE: Turtle Island is on the market.

CHINESE and Sydney investors flag interest in Gladstone island.