Couples who have lost their mojo need to learn to reconnect

Q: MY HUSBAND has no desire to have any sexual activity.

We are very affectionate and have a good relationship - we get on very well, laugh a lot, and enjoy the same things. He finds it very difficult to balance his work and personal life and to manage stress.

His lack of libido first started when he began to climb the corporate ladder and now it has become the norm in our lives.

We both want to make things right but cannot find a way to reconnect in that way and find that passion we once had.

I am getting increasingly frustrated as I don't think he has done enough to fix the problem yet expects me to just be faithful and live a sexless life.

I feel if things are not fixed soon then we will need to split up or take drastic action.

A: Some people would look at your situation and consider leaving your husband over a sexual issue to be extreme.

But in fact, sexual dissatisfaction ranks in the top five reasons couples split.

Your unhappiness in this area of your life can affect many other areas in your relationship, and yes, it can lead to a split.

But it doesn't have to. Far from it.

Your situation is quite common, and rather than see couples split over it, as I often do, I wish more couples would seek assistance so they could get their relationship back on track and moving forward together.

To start with, your husband's expectation for you to be faithful is a separate issue from the libido problem.

He does indeed expect you to be faithful, which is a fair expectation, because it is presumably based on your vows of fidelity, and to stay together for better or worse.

It's a bad idea to communicate in any way, shape or form that you might stray if he doesn't perform.

Not only is it unfair to make this issue between you one-sided, but any kind of perceived threat like that will create distance and pressure - two things that will definitely make this problem worse, rather than better.

To best address this problem, you need to work as a team, and as a couple.

Statements such as "I don't think he has done enough to fix the problem" reflect a blame scenario that is only counter-productive to a solution. Fixing the problem means involving both of you.

The two of you need to first work out and agree on what quantity and quality of lovemaking and intimate contact will make you each happy.

If there is a difference in your answers, then you need to negotiate.

This communication process is the first step to reconnecting.

It sounds as though you have a solid, compatible relationship outside the bedroom, and need to increase the passion.

Good sex is about connection, and that is fostered 24/7 in a relationship, not simply in those bedroom moments.

Re-shift your thinking, so that you recognise that all that you both do to sustain your connection outside the bedroom is actually positively contributing to your sex life.

You might not be making the most of this investment now, but yourselves credit for the good and functioning parts of your relationship nonetheless.

Bear in mind also, that passion changes in a relationship over time.

The initial rush of passion, felt between new lovers and during the early love stages morphs into a calmer, deeper sense of commitment and passion.

This is a natural and biologically driven bonding process, and one you cannot change.

Rather than pine for the passion you once had, rededicate yourselves to discovering new aspects of each other, creating new experiences together, so you can mimic the falling in love stages and swoon for each other all over again.

Creating physically exciting situations can release powerful surges of chemicals in the body such as endorphins and especially dopamine.

These are also present during sexual experiences, so to increase libido, you might try some (literally) exciting and new adventures together.

But also, you and your husband need to address your lifestyle and the work/life balance. Keep a diary for a couple of weeks, tracking how you each spend your time.

How much is spent together every day without phones, children, TV, deadlines and demands?

Are you getting your quality time together (sexual or otherwise) every day?

And if you aren't, as I suspect - which is exceedingly common - then I suggest you both agree to arrange for this time.

Fuelling libido will come with reconnecting, and that connection needs to fit into the balance of your life.

Together, as a couple. 

Topics:  dating love relationships sex

Witnesses claim couple were 'thrown' from car after crash

Ambulance generic

The crash happened about 2pm with no injuries reported

Woman taken to hospital after crash

Woman taken to hospital in stable condition

Fuel attracting recreational flyers to Gayndah

FILLING UP: A pilot refuels at the Gayndah airfield.

Reopened aerodrome drawing more planes.

Local Partners

Get help at financial info day

A FREE information day to help anyone in need of financial help or advice is being held today as part of Anti-Poverty Week.

Men's Shed to open soon

MEN'S SHED: Rob Miller and Col Driver at the new Gayndah Men's Shed.

The Gayndah Men's Shed is ready to open

Former Split Enz front man Tim Finn finds new niche

Singer Tim Finn has written the music for theatre production Ladies in Black.

Musician finds his way to theatre

Workshops to show you how to bring puppets to life

STRING SECTION: Two puppet-making workshops will be held in the region.

Ever wanted to know how to make puppets?

Azealia Banks won't take legal action against Russell Crowe

Rapper Azealia Banks

Rapper drops legal action against Russell Crowe

Brad Pitt meets with his kids amid divorce proceedings

Actor Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt has met up with his oldest son Maddox

Pictures of Taylor Swift allegedly being groped are sealed

They could "complicate jury selection".

Bruce Springsteen finds therapy useful

Singer Bruce Springsteen

Singer encourages others to seek help

Kerry Washington wants one more child

Kerry Washington recently gave birth to her second child

Kerry has only just become a new mum again

TRAVEL: Musicals light up Sydney

David Campbell performs in Dream Lover.

We take a trip through one of Sydney's finer scenes

Hit songwriter's Noosa mansion on market

SPECIAL PLACE: The Cintamani estate is going to tender, marketed by Tom Offermann Real Estate.

Is this Queensland's best property?

Kiwi siblings snap up Dotcom mansion for $32.5m

The new toy company owners of the Coatesville mansion want replace any controversy with positivity and fun. Photo / Barfoot and Thompson

The trio paid $32.5 million for the property in June

New $200 million development will create 580 jobs

Cassie And Josh with baby Alfie and daughter Andee. They have bought at new Lennox Head development Epiq.

Majority of new positions will be given to Northern Rivers locals

Cherrabah's mega resort plans axed

PLANS for a massive development at Cherrabah have been scrapped.

What our mayor thinks of the new draft SEQPlan

The plan to use the innovative technology as part of the new Maroochydore CBD was cemented on site today when Mayor Mark Jamieson and Envac Asia Region president Chun Yong Ha formally signed the contract for the $20 million underground waste collection system.

New plan accommodates Sunshine Coast Council's vision for growth.

Dusit Thani finance crisis 'just a small hiccup'

ON TRACK: Springfield Land Chairman, Maha Sinnathamby, Ipswich Mayor Paul Pisasale, Developer Richard Turner and Springfield Land Deputy Chairman, Bob Sharpless, at the recent resort sod turning ceremony.

Property developer says project remains firmly on track